For those of you who know what I'm talking about seriously where the hell have you been all this time when I need you most... Like literally the day it happened where were YOU?! I know and understand I became pretty hostile, distant, somewhat bitter and tried pushing people away and tried shutting everyone out, but the efforts made on your half hardly seemed like you ever cared at all? Not even the occasional text to ask if I was ok or how I was coping? or just letting me know that you were there if I needed you? When I needed you more than ever.. People I once considered so close to me, I share every thought and feeling with, classed you as family and look at you now. It's like I never knew you at all..Atleast I have now seen your true colours now...but I will continue on this topic in another post, because this day isn't about you...
For those of you who don't know, I'm sorry it's not something I wish to just openly write about...not just yet anyways..just know that I too have been through tough times. I'm still going through them.
It's like people don't even think or see that it has affected my family and I emotionally, mentally, financially even...I swear it's so hard to even have a life now...Even the transition from seeing someone everyday and spending like 80% of your time with them to not being able to see them or chill together or have fun like before? It really hit me hard on my birthday last week, when he wasn't there to ask me what I wanna do or take me out, I spent like 50% of the day crying. Was in no mood to celebrate at all and took it out on my loved ones...
Sometimes I admit I pretend to be happy and act like nothing phases me and like I don't have a care in the world. Sometimes I feel like a have so many burdens on my shoulders and I can't carry them alone. I even began to question God. Why did He let my family suffer this grief, go through such agony? If God was ever listening to my prayers? Surely God could have prevented it right? but that's not the point at all..
Thing is we need to try and look at thing's from God's point of view. You see sometimes we can't help but do what is of our own will and begin to neglect what God has planned in our lives. This is where our pride begins to take over. God humbles the proud and we are left asking why bad things have happened.
"He will guide the humble in justice. He will teach the humble his way." Psalm 25:9
Sometimes we receive warnings but fail to listen and in the end we are left to deal with the consequences. God has a great plan for your life and the enemy knows that so he will bring many distractions in your way to keep you from doing God's will. If we put our trust in God life would be so much less complicated.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. " Proverbs 3:5-6
During all this time it has brought my family a lot closer. From not wanting to sit in the same room as my mother and being out all the time and constantly yelling at each other to now wanting to help her as much as I can. I have become more focused on helping my family in every way I possibly can, stepping up and taking on more responsibility. Sure I'm working a lot harder but I have realised that I do love my family, before I could never admit that before and I feel like I would do anything for them, but them before my own dreams. We have all learnt and changed somewhat due to this experience. My mom now even attends Church because of it and I hope that she will accept Christ someday. All things for the glory of God and for the extension of HIs Kingdom.
"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perishes, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ" 1 Peter 1:7
Sometimes it feels like the whole world is against you, and like nothing is going right in your life but never lose hope, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how hard things have gotten, don't lose faith. Never give up. God is trying to change our hearts, He is developing a testimony within us, therefore the bigger our problems are, the bigger the breakthrough will be in the end. Stay strong and stay blessed and trust in Him.
